In which I share a recent epiphany…
On the evening of the New Moon just past (which was Tuesday), I sat down to do some tarot and journalling. And the Universe whacked me across the back of my head…
I pulled the Ace of Sky: an indicator of new ideas and paradigm shifts.
Then the realisation hit me: I’d been finding my confidence in my DOING, not in my BEING.
For many years, I’ve been finding my confidence in all the things I do: getting good grades at a school, being regarded as a competent employee, all those pats on the back. They gave me the confidence to believe that I could do worthwhile things.
Which in itself is fine.
However, what I haven’t had is confidence in my being. My innate sense of self-worth has been, to put it bluntly, crap. I HAD to be consistently DOING to prove to myself that I was worth anything. I thought of it as ‘justifying my existence’. Un-ironically. Really.
Which is a bit, being blunt again, shit.
I must admit, at this point, I sat there for a few moments thinking “ohshitohshitohshit” followed by “derp”
Then I Googled “how to build confidence”… (yes, I actually Googled this)
Which turned out to be a good move, because I found this helpful article on Psychology Today: Building Confidence and Self Esteem. This has some great suggestions for simple things you can do to help build your confidence in your being.
Going through this list of suggestions also showed me how my lack of confidence in my being was showing up in my life. There was simple stuff on the list that I have always struggled, because I didn’t believe I was worth looking after unless I was doing something more ‘productive’ than looking after myself… *sigh*
If you’re reading this, and your stomach is sinking…
Then I strongly recommend giving yourself a big hug!
Then go read that Psychology Today article, and be honest with yourself about how a lack of confidence in your being – in your innate worth as someone who exists – may be showing up in your life. Those are the things to work on.
But first you have to decide you are worth it.
I realise this can be a bit of a leap, so if that feels impossible, try treating it as an experiment:
- What happens if I wear clean clothes that make me feel good?
- What happens if I do nice things for others?
Observe what happens: how does it feel in your body? How does your mind react? How does your day go afterwards?
Tip: your solar plexus (that bit in the centre beneath your ribs) is the energetic centre of your power and confidence. If it feels good or warm or golden here, that’s a good sign 🌞
Your inner critic (that annoying inner voice that always try to pick holes in you) may try to dissuade you, but please persevere. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Believe me (even if you can’t believe it yourself just yet) 💛
What I’m doing
I went through that list and decided to commit to:
- taking a walk every weekday morning (unless it’s a cyclone or a blizzard)
- having a shower every morning
- keeping my nails at the short length I prefer
I’m also actually prioritising my spiritual practice (instead of just talking about prioritising it)
It feels very embarrassing and humbling to admit that I even need to commit to doing these simple things. I want to rush to reassure you that my personal hygiene was okay! Which it was – it just wasn’t A-grade, and I often found it easier to do (there’s that word again!) something else, rather than spend time on myself…
And, when I go to DO something, I’m endeavouring to pause and ask myself why I’m doing it. Is it because I genuinely want to or need to? Or is to because I feel like I ought to? And if it’s the latter, I’m going to find something else to do…
What I’ve observed
As I write this, I’ve been following this new approach for two days. And it’s been easy!
I didn’t expect that!
It seems that make the decision to actively invest in myself has been enough to shift the old paradigm.
And I am noticing that I feel better and stronger in myself (aided by the visualisations in my ‘Meditating through the chakras’ course which is running at the mo. Why, yes, it is solar plexus week…) And, irony of ironies, I’m actually finding it easier to get stuff done!
I am going to keep a watchful eye over the coming days and weeks, because I know how easy it is to slide back into old habits. Yet I am hopeful that this breakthrough, because it was such a breakthrough, will stick.
And, honestly, I’m enjoying feeling so much better about myself, which is it’s own incentive!
What about you?
Is this something you feel the tug to work on?
See what you can do with my suggestions above. And If you discover any good ideas or useful tips along your way, please let me know!
You don’t have to do this alone! A one-to-one session with me might be just what you need to shift yourself into a new more confident paradigm 😉